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Christmas letters are not what they used to be
Timmy writes a Christmas Letter
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the
reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year.
I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 5 for Christmas.
I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting.
Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat.
Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you
something you can go outside and play with. Merry Christmas,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract,
set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to
granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this
joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at
my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria,
need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it
a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,
well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been
on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be
more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I
alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and
potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it.
I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this.
Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and
I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught,
sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”.
Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal.
I got your **** wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now,
you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s basement.
You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you’re ass and
then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
That’s what I thought you little bastard.
FAT I\'m not fat, I\'m Tactically Padded